


if I see it coming do I run or do I let it be

by reystars



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Death, F/M, Not A Fix-It, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Suicidal Thoughts, basically the one way I figured the ending would be more painful then it already was
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 09:24:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9117598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reystars/pseuds/reystars
Summary: Cassian has been waiting for his death for a very long time. But when he's finally ready it does not come for him, it takes her instead. (an AU oneshot where surviving Scarif is worse than dying there).





	

The weight of the cyanide pill sewn into Cassian’s jacket is virtually imperceptible, but he always knows it’s there. It’s a tiny, undetectable thing, something briefly and casually explained to him during his first gear briefing. The purpose, of course, is inherent. The rebellion comes first in everything, even in matters of life or death. Especially in matters of life or death.

It isn’t really on his mind at first. It’s a tiny thing, sewn right into his upper left shoulder, but the more Cassian grows numb to his actions the heavier it seems. When his heart is pounding it seems to pound harder in that spot. When he holds his gun to Tivik’s midsection on Kafrene and silences him with a single blaster bolt he stumbles back. His hand almost moves to touch it, like he’s gravitating toward it, like it’s something he’s been slowly earning over the years.

It sits there in the back of his mind, waiting, until suddenly something else pushes its way in. Another intrusive thought and distraction, a messy haired girl, the daughter of an imperial scientist.

He can’t place a finger on when it happened.

Possibly when she stole his blaster. Or when she ran to save the child in the midst of the chaos on Jedha. Maybe it was the companionship they formed as they tried to survive together, or maybe it was the look of self reliance and pain in her eyes that twisted his stomach in recognition, in finding a soul that mirrored his.

Either way, there she was, taking up space in his mind and clouding all of his thoughts, slowly becoming his only thought. His concern for her safety was pragmatic in the beginning but even he had to admit, as it became less rational and more desperate, that it was different for him.

He hadn’t thought of the pill in his jacket since she’d climbed aboard his ship and into his life.

Now Cassian is standing on the top of a data tower in the middle of Scarif, his blaster still pointed in the direction of the man in the white cape, protecting Jyn as she slams the console. He hesitates to lower his blaster until he knows the man won’t move again and Jyn stumbles over to him, her smile lighting up her face in a way he’s never seen before.

He was in pain, so much pain, all over his body, but as Jyn wrapped an arm around him for support, he felt a warmth too. He held her tight as she made a move toward the man on the ground, murmuring in her ear, “Shh, it’s okay, just leave it, it’s okay.”

Feeling Jyn visibly relax, asking her if she thought anyone out there was listening, Cassian almost isn’t phased by the looming shadow of the Death Star hanging over Scarif. They both know what it means as they hobble towards the elevator, and they’re quiet, feeling each other’s breath and heartbeat.

The comm link clipped to Cassian’s lapel spits out unexpected static.

“ _Cassian! Cassian are you there?”_

Cassian and Jyn both freeze before Jyn reaches for the comm, pressing down on it.

“Bodhi, it’s Jyn. We’re both here. Where are you? Are the shields down?”

“ _I—I think so—there was a bomb, somebody threw it into my ship but I—I—I got it. Where are you? I need to come and get you now. Right now.”_

Jyn is looking at Cassian with disbelief, her eyes shining.

“We’re at the top of the data tower, right underneath the satellite. Do you think you could hover the ship close enough for us to jump on?”

“ _Not at the top—no—no—but maybe, it looks like there are some outer platforms near the middle. Can you get to them?_ ”

Cassian is watching the sky, knowing any moment now the destruction reigned on Jedha will come. He wants to hold Jyn tighter, he tries to, with whatever strength he has. She’s anchoring him down now. He’s grateful.

“We’ll be there,” she says with confidence.

“ _Yes—yes of course—I’m on my way_.”

It feels like an eternity, traveling down through the lift and towards the platform. Jyn is limping too, Cassian realizes, as she carries him over, bringing him closer to the ship.

Bodhi is there when the platform door opens, looking shaken and frantic but very much alive. Jyn limps closer and closer to the edge of the platform. With the size of the ship there will be a little bit of a jump.

Jyn pulls away from Cassian to face him and he aches to move after her, to bring her close again. He simply looks down at her.

“I’m going to help you get a head start,” she says, one hand on his arm, gripping his jacket. Then she pauses, quickly pulling something out from under her shirt. Her necklace, the one he’d seen her holding reverently before. She places it over Cassians head, draping it on his neck. It’s a strangely tender gesture. Her face is smudged with dirt and there are bruises on her cheekbones, a scrape on her collarbone, but she looks so, absolutely alive in his moment that for the first time Cassian wonders what it might be like to kiss her.

“Come on!” Bodhi shouts, frantically, and Jyn and Cassian take a step back. He feels Jyn’s arms at his back, pushing him, propelling him forward. It’s painful when he lands, Bodhi catching him on the ship platform and pulling him up, but he turns to face Jyn again, ready to catch her too, no matter how painful his blaster wound is.

Then there’s a blinding green light.

Or white, or red, Cassian doesn’t know. All he knows is that the Death Star has struck and it’s scraped along the top of the tower. They hear the blast, then the tower starts to come apart, metal boning crashing onto the platform and knocking Jyn over. Her leg is pinned and more debris is raining down.

She gasps and looks up. She doesn’t even look at Cassian, she looks straight at Bodhi.

Her voice is strained but commanding. “Go, now.”

“Jyn, no!” Cassian shouts. “NO!”

He can hear the desperation tearing from his throat, he stumbles forward but Bodhi grabs him and pulls him back. He can feel Bodhi’s hands shaking and then he disappears, running, hitting the button to close the hatch.

The platform is crumbling now, more metal is falling as the tower is being pulled apart. Jyn looks at Cassian one last time, a small smile, a peaceful one. Everything seems to fall in slow motion around her as she disappears, the hatch door shutting, the ship pulling away. Cassian is on his knees, stumbling over to the window just in time to watch the building crumble, disintegrating as a great white light takes over in the distance.

Cassian doesn’t realize he’s screaming until he feels it in his throat, a terrible soreness, a pain washing over him that’s a hundred times worse than his blaster injury. He slams his fist against the window, shouting, “No, no, no, no.”

He slumps against the wall, the last image of Jyn’s face burned into his mind. He’s lost companions, even friends, before. He lost K-2SO. But this tore him apart differently.

He was the one who deserved to die, not her, and before he even realizes what he’s doing his hand is fumbling for his shoulder, for his jacket. He looks around, trying to remember where he left it on the ship when he had changed into the imperial guard uniform. His mind is too frantic and out of control to truly be of use. He doesn’t even notice the jump to hyperspace.

It throws him back though, against the wall again, finally knocking him down. He crumbles, caving in on himself, shaking. From his wounds, maybe, or from his loss. Or maybe all of it. It seemed like some cruel punishment that he’d wished and waited for death his whole life and in the moment that it mattered, living was the true punishment.

He finally spots his jacket, stuffed under a storage container on the other side of the ship. He stares at it blankly, the numbness now taking over. He knows exactly where the pill is, the left shoulder, where it’s always been.

He moves to crawl toward it but something catches him. Pinches him really, under the arm. Jyn’s necklace. He grips the kyber crystal in his hand so tight he thinks it draws blood.

“Did I not earn it?” he whispers bitterly, his raspy voice so quiet the hum of the ship almost drowns it out. He’s speaking to the force, he thinks, the thing that Chirruit has so much faith in, the thing that supposedly wills everything. The thing that so cruelly allowed him to live while Jyn died.

There’s no answer. He closes his eyes and in his exhaustion, darkness takes over, and it’s welcomed.

* * *

He pieces together the rest of what happened on Scarif in the weeks that follow on Yavin IV. He and Bodhi were the only ones from Rogue One to make it out alive. The plans to the Death Star were successfully transmitted and used to destroy it, though that mission did not include Cassian. He was still on bed rest.

Rest is a loose term however. He spends most nights on his cot staring at the ceiling, clinging to Jyn’s crystal, mulling over the things he’d never gotten to say. Never gotten to thank her for. He’d wanted… he’d wanted to tell her so many things. That her father would have been proud of her. He thought she might have liked to hear that.

* * *

Months later he’s still wearing the crystal under his shirt, and it presses against him. It’s a different weight, he notices, than the pill was. It’s where his heart seems to beat now, it’s light and undetectable, but it carries a different weight.

* * *

One night he pulls the pill from his jacket and takes to the top of one of the ancient pyramids on Yavin IV. It’s not hard, with all the networks of rebel tunnels and lifts. He’s standing outside, the stars visible above. No one as much as blinked at him as he made his way out here, the tiny pill clutched in his left hand.

He stares at the horizon.

Taking a deep breath he looks up. He considers making a speech and then decides otherwise. This doesn’t need a ceremony.

And then he throws it, the pill disappearing into the night without a sound. He instinctively clutches the kyber crystal, as his habit has become nowadays, and thinks of Jyn. Of their final mission. Of all the things he’s done in the name of the rebellion, and the one thing he’s done in the name of hope and goodness.

He looks up at the stars and thinks Jyn might be there, somewhere, and nods. For the first time since her death, he murmurs out loud the words he’s been holding in.

“May the force be with you, Jyn.”


End file.
